Shoulder my cry

Contrary to popular belief, every man, however macho or otherwise, has every emotions that are considered feminine. We cry. We need support. We love. We miss. We are what we are. Here I am throwing in my growing frustration into words & hoping it would cure me and 'man' me up! :-)

This ain't a take on any one nor a sarcastic hit on my ex(s) but just words to my current flow of thoughts. Appreciate if you can but I ain't taking anything negative on this one! Not in a mood, you see!

---

Silent as tears rolls the inner abyss deepens

At times in life, we pause the run, look back and realize

its more chaotic & unpredictable than a pair of rolling dice;

Every aspect of my life has seen its share of low & high

But love is the pain that leaves me empty, parched & dry...

        ...can someone share a shoulder for me to cry?!!

I am creative, sensitive, funny n jolly to be around

well... but that's not good enough is what I just found

my care, understanding is needed when you down, out n sour

but when it comes to loving me I am just shown the door.

        ...is there anyone who can love me & shoulder my cry?

Need an understanding shoulder to feel human

"Thanks for being born" I was told after years together

"Naah! This is not working" I was slapped 3 days later;

without warning my best birthday turned into worst nightmare

a cold eerie darkness loomed over me as stood alone here...

        ...waiting for some generous one to lend & shoulder my cry.

For a real long time loneliness has been my only partner

so much so that when people come next to me I shudder.

Ain't easy to look normal when the abyss inside tears you

It doesn't help when people who like you are less than a few

        ...wondering if my destiny includes a gal who shoulder my cry?!

Lonely as I walk through the desert of my life.

In deep sleep, I suddenly heard GOD say: Sins of the past!

I woke up with tears mixing with sweat to say: End it fast.

He vanished with a smile that said: No end to your loneliness!

Suddenly some clarity about my destiny, more or less.

        Realized there ain't none who can love & shoulder my cry!

This I am penning to tend my deepest heart-felt apologies

to all those "Sorry-can't-love-even-when-forced" lovely ladies.

I fought with you for not loving me bcoz I thought I had a chance

Stupid me! I just learned that I am legless moron wanting to dance!

        Thanks for not agreeing to shoulder my cry!

Marriage - why do we fear it?

---

A sudden uncontrolled feeling to pen my current state of mind. My current thoughts. My current perspective. My current opinion. About marriage and why we say 'no' to it.

---

Lets face the fact, marriage is one word which has an universal bag of mixed responses. Every one is entitled to an opinion. Sometimes it is their own. Most times it is a borrowed concept. But all the time (almost all the time) it is the in-style statement. A "No" to marriage is in vogue. Why? Typical responses are -

"C'mon man! One person for life? Kidding me?!"
"Dude, I am not cut-out to be a marriage material"
"I am yet to settle down, bro"
"Still so much to achieve, yo! Not yet"
"I am happy the way I am, buddy" (the best, in my list)

But the underlying truth, I think, is "FEAR." The fear of unknown. The fear of change. The fear of 'what if.' The fear of losing control over your life or rather sharing control with another.

Fear of "unknown"

Fear of 'unknown'

Needless to say, so was I. I was also scared of this ultimate 'sharing' of myself with another & more scared of sharing their life with mine. Actually, I am still scared.

• What has the future in store for me? for us?
• I will not change myself after marriage....... should I?
• I will not be able to spend time with myself after marriage...
• I do not know what is her true-self!
• Okay, now you want me to forcefully start a relationship with someone? (if its an arranged marriage)

These are the manifestations of the 'fear of unknown.' It is something that plagues many minds. Quite a few can overcome these with an optimistic outlook but never the less they exists. And, when it comes to marriage (esp in India, where marrying more than once is still frowned upon) these questions can screw up a perfectly positive mind because everyone wants to take these decisions only once.

Fear of "what-if"
The other biggest fear. The other mighty beast to conquer before the final step. The other biggest set of questions that cloud our mind from thinking clearly. The question that begins with 'what-if'...

• What if I am a mess and so is she, can you guess what would happen if we both get together?!!
• What if it does not work out?
• What if we were _NOT_ meant to be with each other?
• What if I am not able to share my feelings with her?
• What if....
• What if....
• What if....

Is it even possible to find answers for these questions? Is it even possible to stop these questions from cropping inside you? The fear of 'what if' is probably the most difficult one to over-come, I would concur.

Other fears

fear

I can go on & on about the various similar fears within us:

• fear of change and the reluctance to break out of comfort zone.
• fear of additional of responsibility. well, we don't fear responsibility but the sudden u-turn in our life esp from a responsibility perspective is not welcome.
• fear of failure. the innumerable divorces around & (in many cases) the past relationships have introduced a fear of failure inside us. Why would we bang onto a wall head-first when we know its gonna pain? Though this time it might not be a hard-wall but a soft-cushion but we don't wanna take the risk.
• fear of uncomfortable home. having seen/heard parents fight & argue so much sometimes being alone seem a better option.
• finally, that-other-girl-is-hot-I-shall-wait option. This is just an add-on! More like a feature a few guys seem to come with. Actually, its a fictitious idea occupies a guy's head! :-) The girl in the office is hot & smiles at me, may be I might hit a relationship with her. I shall wait. Or that girl I saw at the shopping mall is nice, I shall... Or that girl I was introduced to... Or that girl... Or that girl... this need not necessarily be a reason to avoid marriage but, yeah, men are crazy! :-)
• so on & so forth.

"I" in front eye clouds the "V"

Perspective of "I"

But, all of the above are from a very selfish perspective. From the perspective called 'I'. As long as we are looking through the "I" glass all of the above are well accepted and understood. As long as "I" stands in front of our eyes, the above manifestations are valid and need to be addressed at the very earliest.

This "perspective of I" would always plague us, wouldn't it? We cannot let go of it, for it is a born quality in men. But, unless we let go of this ego-centric view of life, we will never be able to share life with a girl. The unconditional love would remain fictitious as long as "I" plagues our thoughts. But then thats bachelorhood. The "I." The "me." The "self." But, the question is - is the 'perspective of I' the major factor or are we giving it more importance than it deserves? Is there more than just this that stops us from committing?

Yet marriage happens!

If this was to be the case...
       ...if everybody is looking through the 'perspective of I'...
       ...if everybody is bothered and concerned only about themselves...
       ...if everybody is self-centered....
       ...if everybody is not ready to sacrifice the freedom...
       ...if everybody is bound by the fear...

How are marriages happening? Shouldn't marriage be an extinct ritual of the cave-men? Logically & in theory, yes but reality shines light in different direction. In fact, totally in the opposite direction. Marriages do happen. In fact, successful marriages are still aplenty. Including, the so called, more-advanced western countries, marriages have not lost its sheen. How?

My mind wandered....

      ...for days

      ...for weeks

      ...for months

      ...for over an year.
 And, still it is not home-bound with an answer.
The journey continues...

Miss myself! :-(

After roaming all over the mind & realizing that nothing productive can come up by worrying. I just realized I am not being myself!!

And so I rolled back a few years & ran thro' my mental diary in search of the 'lost me'!!!
          ... I was very carefree! (What does that mean, I don't even rmmbr now!!)
          ... I was very cool & unperturbed! (Does such a state exists now?)
          ... I was irresponsible! (Such a lovely feeling to be so?)
          ... I was crazy yet creative! (Now I have to think so much even to type one sentence! :-( )
          ... I was productive!! (In more than one ways! ;-) )
          ... I was flirtatious!! (Gone are those days of fantasies!)
          ... I was intelligent!! (Now I pick the calculator for 51 * 49!)

And, finally the most important,
          ... I had a life!!! (My current state of affair: Where can I buy that? Do I get discount?)


I NEED MY LIFE BACK!!!!