Shoulder my cry

Contrary to popular belief, every man, however macho or otherwise, has every emotions that are considered feminine. We cry. We need support. We love. We miss. We are what we are. Here I am throwing in my growing frustration into words & hoping it would cure me and 'man' me up! :-)

This ain't a take on any one nor a sarcastic hit on my ex(s) but just words to my current flow of thoughts. Appreciate if you can but I ain't taking anything negative on this one! Not in a mood, you see!

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Silent as tears rolls the inner abyss deepens

At times in life, we pause the run, look back and realize

its more chaotic & unpredictable than a pair of rolling dice;

Every aspect of my life has seen its share of low & high

But love is the pain that leaves me empty, parched & dry...

        ...can someone share a shoulder for me to cry?!!

I am creative, sensitive, funny n jolly to be around

well... but that's not good enough is what I just found

my care, understanding is needed when you down, out n sour

but when it comes to loving me I am just shown the door.

        ...is there anyone who can love me & shoulder my cry?

Need an understanding shoulder to feel human

"Thanks for being born" I was told after years together

"Naah! This is not working" I was slapped 3 days later;

without warning my best birthday turned into worst nightmare

a cold eerie darkness loomed over me as stood alone here...

        ...waiting for some generous one to lend & shoulder my cry.

For a real long time loneliness has been my only partner

so much so that when people come next to me I shudder.

Ain't easy to look normal when the abyss inside tears you

It doesn't help when people who like you are less than a few

        ...wondering if my destiny includes a gal who shoulder my cry?!

Lonely as I walk through the desert of my life.

In deep sleep, I suddenly heard GOD say: Sins of the past!

I woke up with tears mixing with sweat to say: End it fast.

He vanished with a smile that said: No end to your loneliness!

Suddenly some clarity about my destiny, more or less.

        Realized there ain't none who can love & shoulder my cry!

This I am penning to tend my deepest heart-felt apologies

to all those "Sorry-can't-love-even-when-forced" lovely ladies.

I fought with you for not loving me bcoz I thought I had a chance

Stupid me! I just learned that I am legless moron wanting to dance!

        Thanks for not agreeing to shoulder my cry!

Miss myself! :-(

After roaming all over the mind & realizing that nothing productive can come up by worrying. I just realized I am not being myself!!

And so I rolled back a few years & ran thro' my mental diary in search of the 'lost me'!!!
          ... I was very carefree! (What does that mean, I don't even rmmbr now!!)
          ... I was very cool & unperturbed! (Does such a state exists now?)
          ... I was irresponsible! (Such a lovely feeling to be so?)
          ... I was crazy yet creative! (Now I have to think so much even to type one sentence! :-( )
          ... I was productive!! (In more than one ways! ;-) )
          ... I was flirtatious!! (Gone are those days of fantasies!)
          ... I was intelligent!! (Now I pick the calculator for 51 * 49!)

And, finally the most important,
          ... I had a life!!! (My current state of affair: Where can I buy that? Do I get discount?)


I NEED MY LIFE BACK!!!!

Happy Bday Olive

Today would have been one of my best days in life. But that not be the case decided destiny! Olive decided I am not important in her life & so be it said I. Tomorrow is her bday & I cannot call her! :-) If I could have then I would have given her a bunch of her fav flowers & read this poem as the clock strike 00:00hrs!! Probably on my knees! :-) The romantic in me does not have job now!!! :-D Anyways, if she ever reads this blog here is my chance to reach out to her.

Even in a lonely desert spanning miles & miles
a mere thought of you brings joy & smiles;
The beauty, the charm & the twinkling eyes
would melt hearts like a bucket of ice!

You sashay along with a smile on your face,
like a ballet dancer full of élan & grace;
Your beauty & force of love is so strong & pure
even Aphrodite would feel vulnerable & insecure!

Undying confidence & a strong sense of individuality
form the biggest forces behind your personality;
Knowing the strength & determination deep inside you
even GODs & world would conspire to help you!

Today on the occasion of your 21st birthday,
Allow me to say 'MANY MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY'
With this 'I shall bid adieu to you'
by saying 'MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU'

move on....

The world talks about moving on! "Move on, man, else you are wasting time!" For me it is easily said than done. But, if the whole world is in chaos & your chaos seem lesser importance than theirs. And, if the whole world can move on then better you do too!!

The trouble of moving on is to shatter the dreams that you have built. My Olive once spoke to me about dreams & how important to guard it against breakages. And, guess what, she was the one who shatter most of my dreams all the way! :-) I guess life works that way!

Unfortunately, I believe in 'ALL FOR GOOD' and I know what is happening is for my good. The only trouble with this philosophy is the state of mind to accept it. It is easy to believe in philosophy but acceptance is difficult.

But, yeah, I cannot stay on
for I need to move on;
life awaits with much surprises
new one after every time sun rises.

Wish I could have a friend along
to fend off troubles all along
but life, sometimes, throws you alone
to work on your sins & to atone!

God Bless!!

Is it worth it?

Here I am crying out and waiting, lacking all the patience, for that call.

People ask why so emotional these days? Why so troubled? Why so struggled? I have only one thing to say - try. Try living with expectations and expectations not being met. Try living with expectations, which was met earlier but not met anymore. It is a great time of your life. The pain is unbearable. The pain.

And, is there any thing more worst? Yeah, I will say yes. I will have to say yes only bcoz of my belief. My belief in the history. The history of the current situation is great. If the same trend continues the worst is still not yet in the horizon. I am yet to face the gravest of the troubles and have to crosses the hardest of the hurdles. I am bloody freaking sure that the hardest part of this entire episode is probably just around the corner.

Can I come out of unscathed?! Great if I can. But, I am sure I can't bcoz I am already half bruised and half handicapped.

I heard a nice phrase from my friend - 'Let Go. Let God.' I just pray to God.... nah! not pray but command God to gimme the strengths to fight the fight. Run the Race. Finish the game, at least a matured bit.

fish Vs boat

bored to hell I am, frustrated to the limits,
wondering where my life is planning 2 take me;
realization struck like bolt of lightening -
'does the fish know where the waves lead them?'
well, fishes don't but the boat does!

choices are with us - boat Vs fish;
fish lets the wave decide its course,
boat uses the wave for its course;
the choice is not a split-second decision
but a life-time commitment & a life-line too.

the choice decides our final destination
or is it our destination that maketh the choice?
wish for some clarity and some guidance
but, as always, clarity comes with the choice
and guidance comes with the destination!

'welcome to life, it sucks & you'll love it'
said, Monica Geller, of F.R.I.E.N.D.S fame;
then i laughed; now i cry & being laughed at;
i ask not for help to choose for i find it selfish
but still choices hangs over head - boat Vs fish.

unbearable pain crawls deep inside the heart
want the comfort and the medicine of my love
irony as it might sound, but truth it is
that my love caused this pain only it can heal!
'Love hurts,' said Victor M. Garcia Jr. I nodded.

The choices are to play the 'freedom' fish -
'go by the current & leave the past behind';
or to play the 'never-give-up' boat -
'understand the current & steer to victory';
Either case, it hurts & I could use some tears.

"Easy way out? Fish! fish! fish!" says devil;
"Best way out? Boat! Boat! Boat!" says angel;
Now, I should choose the boat & row my way out
but I don't have ability 2 understand the current
neither do i know anything about rowing!

sitting here, i choose to row & fight out
but fear creeps in; failure looms large;
are they real or imaginary fear & failure?
I know not! But, my sure-footed steps tumble!
I better pick up else i will go down rumbles!

I hope my efforts realize success
but right now, the current is incomprehensible
the oars are missing & I don't know swimming!
But I chose & will stick to it; I just pray
i am capable to participate in this game of life!

waiting for the call....

Yeah, today is the cultural day and the organizer is my close friend. I wished. I wished for the success of the event, as always. All these years I have been wishing and my wishes were received with joy. I think it was received this year too with the same joy. I just hope and think but I don't know. How can I know?

Well, the answer lies on the call. If I get a call regarding how the event went then yeah, my wishes were worth it... no actually, i wished, any case! I mean, I genuinely, wished. I always wished success. In fact, I still wish only success. I am not evaluating my intention of wishes based on the responses. So, I should not check the worthiness of my wishes based on response. But, then all these years I received great response. I am waiting for the same this year.


Waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

No response till now! :-(

Is the trouble bcoz I am waiting or bcoz I am expecting? I love to hear what had happened today at the event. Every details of it. Everything... I mean, every little things. But, will I get the call?! Will my interests & joy-in-hearing-the-success-stories be will honored? Probably, I will get a call tomorrow. May be not! I know, I am supposed to keep a cool head & continue with my way of life but I am not able to...

Still, waiting...

Oh! damn this life...

still freaking waiting...

Update: still waiting... my life is turning to be interesting... I am not sure if I would get the call.. And, I am still not sure how to react though I don't want to react... oh! damn!

what do you do?

The big question is "What do you do?"

What do you do when you miss somebody so much?
What do you do when suddenly the life line is removed?
What do you do when the reason for your happiness is no more with you?
What do you do when your happy factor gives so much pain?
What do you do when you are not able to bear the pain?
What do you do when you want to inflict physical pain just to remove the emotional pain?
What do you do when the one thing you want in this life is not interested in being a part of you?
Bloody fucking hell, what the heck would one do?!

The big question is "What can you do?"

will the world conspire for me?

Have heard/read the most famous statement in one of the Paulo Coelho's book 'The Alchemist' and the statement goes thus - "When you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true."

Well isn't this great? If this can happen always then it is great.

Now the question is can it happen to me?! Ever?! Well, a good question. Guess the answer is obvious. Yes, it will. Actually, it can! It will provided that I am as desperate as I can get. Am I as desperate? Well, yes and no! I am desperate to go back in time but I am also angry at the things are right now. So, right now, my head is filled with clashes between the past & the present.

With clash at its peak & worst, how can i think of a future? More over, how can I be desperate about my future?! Interesting, isn't it?

Well, if I can somehow settle my thoughts & focus on what I need, may be! Just may be, I can get this Coelho's thesis come true. I can somehow get the whole world to conspire to fulfill my wish! But for that I need make some changes... in me! I need to focus & get the best out of me! For which, I hope GOD has given me the strengths to tackle my inner fears & over come them. If HE has not then HE better give me! :-)

...it pains!

When things don't go right,
when people you trust don't respond
the way we want;

When things don't go right,
when times seem as difficult
as it can get;

When things don't go right,
when past seem very painful
though it was pleasure then;

...is it bad to expect the end of world?!

....it hurts a lot more!!

What is the most difficult thing in the whole life?!
The most simplest thing is the most difficult thing. Confusing right?! Thats life, I guess.

The most difficult stuff is to give/provide what the whole relationship is based on. For instance, friendship is based on trust & support, the most difficult thing is to give friend the unconditional support & trust. Similarly, Love is based on space & time given to each other and the most difficult thing is to give love that much need space.

In both case, it is very very painful to give without gaining much! I struggling and in near psychological-trauma trying to give. But, guess what, I have decided to give. Let us see if I can get back what I almost lost - Friendship & Love.

.... it hurts

Some times... the life turns interesting.. it takes all that it gave and it gives back all that you don't want... it shows the path which you want to forget.. it opens the doors that you never knew existed.. Well thats life in short..

What you think cannot happen will happen.. what you think should not happen will definitely happen.. what you want to happen will evade you like none before..

I am thinking of doing something next weekend and I am sure the thing called life will definitely give an interesting twist the entire show.

Let us see how Swami handles this & me...

hmmm... Crys from abysmal limits

to...

pv: hope you watched it and you liked it too. vinesh: Deepa Mehta + Lisa Ray and if a guy does not want a skin show then he must be Gay! :-) Thankfully, I am not and I am glad that you are not too. :-)

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The depressed me trying to pen down the possible reasons for depression. Wanna read it? I would suggest not... Dont waste your time.

you clicked and wanna read?? God Save You!

Hi All

Its quite an interesting thing to note that some acts in life become a part of you and you miss them when you dont do them. For the past few weeks, I have been quite dis-satisfied with anything and everything... I wondered why? I thought of various stuffs but nothing much seemed a valid reason.

i weighed a lot on various acts/activites but none gave me a conclusive explanation to my mental state...

1. Basket Ball - i used to play a lots of them when i was a student.. spent at least 2-3hrs/day sweating out in the court.. right now I have no opportunity to play as I found no ground anywhere near for me to play. :-( I missed playing... esp BB.
2. Creative Tussles - back in college, i used to be a part of a gang, which used to be extremely innovative and creative. And, we used to have great arguments and i enjoyed the knowledge sharing that used to be a part of such arguments. I miss those and I miss my group.
3. Friends - back in college and even in my 1st job, i had loads of friends. i always cherished my moments with them but right now far away from them, in a different city, i feel lonely. and, i cannot blame them but its obvious, that i am slowly being left out of the group. once, i used to be an integral part of the group, now i am just an attachment running in the periphery. i miss friends and i miss their support. i lived my entire life with the support from them.
4. blogging - ok, i was never a regular blogger but yep, i was there. i used to blog often and used to reply on quite a few other blogs too. i used to enjoy, how-ever infrequent it was, the creative challenges blogging used to pose. I enjoyed reading others blog and trying to gauge them. It was fun. But of late, i am no where. i lost my identity in the blog-world too..

i miss the above a lot. i know its gonna be tough 2 get that creative tussle back but the other 3 are not difficult. Unfortunately, being an extremely negative-thinking optimist its tough for me to think that i can get back my friends. the way i am losing my friends, i would be surprised if any body would attend my marriage! Its a freaking sad thought but, yeah, i am getting depressed aloud, in a vociferous manner. at times like these i feel like kicking my own butt but then, thats life about me.... feeling depressed and moving out of it...

neways, coming to basket ball, I have no clue how and where I am gonna find a court & some fellas to play with... regarding bloggin, i am damn freaking busy but then i should try & make some time to blog.

If i cannot do what i love doing, then what is life all about??

Rp
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